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Run! Daddy's Givin' Baths!
Kids' Bath Products

By Daryn Guarino

Kids' Bath Products ReviewedLet’s talk beyond showers, let’s talk beyond washing up, let’s talk about washing the dirtiest things in your house…your kids!

I have an almost four-year-old boy named Connor who can get dirty in his sleep and an almost one year old boy named Morgan who appears to generate dirt himself.

Connor likes to climb things. He is about forty inches tall and weighs all of thirty-four pounds and, as a result, gravity doesn’t seem to bother with him. I swear that I saw him scamper up the six and a half foot, stainless steel front of my refrigerator like Spider-Man with a big dog chasing hands!

Morgan, on the other hand, is a baby bulldozer who merely ignores obstacles, gates, fences, concrete traffic barriers, Grandparents, and crushes them under knee with ruthless giggles and reckless glee.

I received my box of products to test and instructions to wash my kids with them. I told me wife that I would wash the boys tonight. My wife, so caring and supportive, covered her mouth to stifle a laugh and ran out of the room snickering.

She knew exactly what the kids were doing at that moment and I did not. "Bah!" I said, "I am a man and I am as good as any woman!" Then my children walked into the room. My beautiful little boys were laughing because they were literally stuck together with a furry green moss that Connor said was a magic potion.

The back of the Two-Who-Are-Now-One child was covered with fireplace ash! I could hear my wife rolling on the floor in the kitchen, laughing. When she recovered and regained her composure, she did what any good wife and mother would do in this situation; she jumped in her car and went shopping.

Well, I’ve jumped out of airplanes, so I figure I can wash one large many-limbed child. "Bath time!" I musically sang and clapped my hands to make a fun game of it. My four-legged child immediately split into five to seven smaller children who ran away in nine different directions and I heard a distant and moving voice shouting, "Run! Run! Daddy’s givin’ baths!"

I started my pursuit of the Sticky Finger Gang with the wind and sky as my only companions. A tumbleweed rolled through the empty room, the wind blew grit into my face, and the ching-ching-ching of my spurs cut the silence like gunshots. I drew my weapons, aimed at their weak spot, and fired on the dinky desperados with words like hot lead, "Who wants to eat a Popsicle in the bathtub?!"

Smell Like Pink Ranger!
Pink Clover

Army Of Friends
Circle of Friends

You Wanted The Best! You Got The Best!
The Hottest Scent In The World!

Kiss Kids from Kiss My Face

Smells Like Teen Spirit
California Baby

Apis Mellifera and Burt
Baby Bee by Burt's Bees

My Kids and the Poufs

Splash Pals from Earth Therapeutics

That’s everything, whew, and we had quite a few winners this time around. In fact, I received so many products to test that I spent nearly two months giving my children their nightly bath (it sure made my wife happy).

Today I notice that my next column is scheduled to be floor wax, vacuum cleaner bags, and pedicure equipment…hmmmm. Call me crazy, but I’m starting to think conspiracy!

Stay clean and don’t trust the women (they’re sneakier and smarter than us)!

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