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Run! Daddy's Givin' Baths!
Kids' Bath Products
By Daryn Guarino
 Let’s talk beyond showers, let’s talk beyond washing up, let’s
talk about washing the dirtiest things in your house…your kids!
I have an almost four-year-old boy named Connor who can get
dirty in his sleep and an almost one year old boy named Morgan
who appears to generate dirt himself.
Connor likes to climb
things. He is about forty inches tall and weighs all of
thirty-four pounds and, as a result, gravity doesn’t seem to
bother with him. I swear that I saw him scamper up the six and a
half foot, stainless steel front of my refrigerator like
Spider-Man with a big dog chasing him...no hands!
Morgan, on the
other hand, is a baby bulldozer who merely ignores obstacles,
gates, fences, concrete traffic barriers, Grandparents, and
crushes them under knee with ruthless giggles and reckless glee.
I received my box of products to test and instructions to wash
my kids with them. I told me wife that I would wash the boys
tonight. My wife, so caring and supportive, covered her mouth to
stifle a laugh and ran out of the room snickering.
She knew
exactly what the kids were doing at that moment and I did not.
"Bah!" I said, "I am a man and I am as good as any woman!" Then
my children walked into the room. My beautiful little boys were
laughing because they were literally stuck together with a furry
green moss that Connor said was a magic potion.
The back of the
Two-Who-Are-Now-One child was covered with fireplace ash! I
could hear my wife rolling on the floor in the kitchen,
laughing. When she recovered and regained her composure, she did
what any good wife and mother would do in this situation; she
jumped in her car and went shopping.
Well, I’ve jumped out of
airplanes, so I figure I can wash one large many-limbed child.
"Bath time!" I musically sang and clapped my hands to make a fun
game of it. My four-legged child immediately split into five to
seven smaller children who ran away in nine different directions
and I heard a distant and moving voice shouting,
"Run! Run! Daddy’s givin’ baths!"
I started my pursuit of the
Sticky Finger Gang with the wind and sky as my only companions.
A tumbleweed rolled through the empty room, the wind blew grit
into my face, and the ching-ching-ching of my spurs cut the
silence like gunshots. I drew my weapons, aimed at their weak
spot, and fired on the dinky desperados with words like hot
lead, "Who wants to eat a Popsicle in the bathtub?!"
Smell Like Pink Ranger!
Pink Clover
Army Of Friends
Circle
of Friends
You Wanted The Best! You Got The Best!
The Hottest Scent In
The World!
Kiss Kids from Kiss My Face
Smells Like Teen Spirit
California Baby
Apis Mellifera and Burt
Baby Bee by Burt's Bees
My Kids and the Poufs
Splash Pals from Earth
Therapeutics
That’s everything, whew, and we had quite a few winners this
time around. In fact, I received so many products to test that I
spent nearly two months giving my children their nightly bath
(it sure made my wife happy).
Today I notice that my next column
is scheduled to be floor wax, vacuum cleaner bags, and pedicure
equipment…hmmmm. Call me crazy, but I’m starting to think
conspiracy!
Stay clean and don’t trust the women (they’re sneakier and
smarter than us)!
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